Category: Humour

Bush says anti-war protests weaken the USA

Bill Moyer, 73, wears a “Bullshit Protector” flap over his ear while President George W. Bush addresses the Veterans of Foreign Wars. (AP Photo/Douglas C. Pizac)

National Post (Kanuckistan)

Posted by leslie on Wednesday, August 24, 2005 at 04:30 PM in Humour
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Go Jacques! Go Paris!

So, Anglo-French tensions have “heightened last night after Jacques Chirac delivered a series of insults to Britain as London and Paris fought to secure the 2012 Olympic Games and faced fresh disagreement at the G8 summit.”

Great.  Let’s hope the IOC is so impressed by Jacque’s Gallic charm that it awards not only the 2012 Olympics to heterosexually Gay Paree but 2016 as well ... and 2020, 2024 and beyond.  I see no reason why the French taxpayer should not fund the Games in perpetuity.  Speaking for myself, though, I would prefer to hang on to my income to save or spend as befits my needs.

The next best option to inflicting actual bodily pain on the French wallet would be to forego the Olympian expense and scrub the competitive side of the Games completely.  Medals should simply be awarded according to tradition.

So ... in athletics the “blue riband” 100m Mens medals could be divided up quite appropriately between two black Americans and anutha brutha from the Caribbean.  Kenya could have a clean sweep of the long distance medals, of course.  Britain would be allotted a women’s archery gold and do jolly well in almost all the most obscure sailing categories.

This would mean that the papers could write their stories of plucky Brit defeat, dropped batons and positive drug-tests months, even years before the sacred flame is lit.  The free-wheeling closing ceremony, which nobody pays much attention to, could take place in advance of the big set-piece opening one, which everybody seems to think terribly important - though I have no idea why.  In fact, one ceremony could be run straight into the other.  It’s only efficient and obviously a winning formula.  I can’t think why nobody has come up with it before.

Best of all, non-English people like David Aaronovitch can enjoy the vibrant, outdoor life of their MultiCult melting pot without being torn away to watch grown men jumping into a sandpit all day (medals for Brazil, America, Cuba or diverse similarities).  London is so very youthful and exciting now there are so few Londoners in it, not a second should be spent away from drinking it all in.

And Paris?  Well, it’s just not the same.  A museum.  No wonder Jacques is envious of Tony.

I bet one or two of those French Muslims can go some over 1500m, though.

Posted by Guessedworker on Tuesday, July 5, 2005 at 05:12 AM in Humour
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How to lose a war

If then was now,  imagine how we might fight World War II. Encumbered by all the politically correct hucklety-buck, sensitivity training, and ACLU horse droppings, here’s how some news synopses from yesteryear might read:-

Guadalcanal, August 1942: Today, Adm. William F. (Bull) Halsey issued a retraction of his controversial statement, “Kill Japs, kill Japs, kill more Japs.” Despite the fact that the Japanese have never signed onto the Geneva Convention; are routinely torturing, starving, and beheading American prisoners; and were involved in countless suicide attacks, Adm. Halsey said he was misquoted and that he would never be insensitive to the Japanese, who have such a rich and venerable culture.  A spokesman for the admiral later said that someone had written down what the admiral said in shorthand and had gotten it wrong. What Adm. Halsey actually said was: “Gentlemen, we must do everything possible to expedite the mortality of our noble foes.”

Continued...

Posted by jonjayray on Monday, July 4, 2005 at 05:21 AM in Humour
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Probation for naked interviewer

A man who tried to conduct a job interview naked has been sentenced to three years’ probation and placed on the sex offenders’ register.

Continued...

Posted by Phil Peterson on Wednesday, June 15, 2005 at 05:07 PM in Humour
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In their cups in the Quai d’Orsay

We French hate the perfidious English.  We French have always hated the perfidious English.  We French hate the perfidious English for being … perfidious.  And English.  And for positively refusing to be invaded by Germans when we French managed it so effortlessly.  Twice.  And for letting us deceive ourselves that all those English SOE agents running around organising Le Resistance were … French.  Unacceptable.  And then, mon Dieu, there was Waterloo … Trafalgar … Agincourt … the ‘andbag of Madame Thatcher …

Entente cordial?  Never.  A ridiculous, impossible idea.

Ah, but we French used to love “Europe” before the English insinuated themselves into it.  It was the very essence of French dirigisme.  And OK, Germany was the economic engine.  But France held the political power.  That was the deal.  The English, of course, were not included.  That was also the deal.  Anyway, they had their “special relationship” with the Americans.  But that didn’t worry us.  We French hated the Americans.

Continued...

Posted by Guessedworker on Sunday, May 29, 2005 at 06:34 PM in Humour
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It’s not only small and light, it’s made of rubber

You have to have a heart of stone not to crack a smile at this tale of death-defying baby-hood.  Thirteen-month old baby boy Lavonta Clark - mother Lawanda, sister Latonia (Bob Cosby would not be happy) -  “survived a drop from a third-story window.  Amazingly, a couple of scratches and a bump on the back of his head are his only injuries.”

The “drop” was inflicted by an 11-year old boy who had had enough of Lavonta’s crying.  You know how it is when you are eleven.  Crying baby ... open window ... end of problem.  Except this time the problem had its fall broken by bushes and cushioned by soft mud.  Result: Lavonta’s screaming even louder and you’ve got a new addition to the rap sheet.  But now you know why guns are good.

Mum Lawanda appears to have wandered away, possibly to “get some things together.”  She needed to give some money to her landlord.  It is not known if the things produced any money.  It is known that she had left her baby in the charge of the eleven-year felon’s aunt who ... well anyway, that’s the way they like to do things in Cincinnati.  From here on, though, Lawanda is going to “focus” on her son.  She would do well to focus on the 11-year old, too.

Posted by Guessedworker on Saturday, April 16, 2005 at 03:47 PM in Humour
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All you need to know about political correctness

Q: What is P.C.? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing the tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness is the only socially- and morally-acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and closed-minded.

Q: Why should I be PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are right, and that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.

Q: I am a white male—can I still be PC? Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.

Continued...

Posted by jonjayray on Wednesday, March 23, 2005 at 06:56 PM in Humour
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The English Sense of Humor

Heard the one about a ‘Holy Ghost Enema

’?

MR’s foriegn readers may not be aware this woman is Benny Hinn’s wife. Mr. Hinn being a heretic and a fraud, but both are mighty entertaining. BTW she claims to be English too.

Courtesy of Little Geneva

Posted by leslie on Wednesday, March 9, 2005 at 11:40 AM in Humour
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Taking aim at George

Next week is a big week for Belgians.  President Bush will visit us … well, not just us, of course.  The rest of Europe, too.  But it could be Belgium he remembers best.

In the past visiting VIP’s have had much to remember Belgium for.  Obviously, the President’s security people are, even as I write, nailing Noel Godin’s throwing arm to some passing F15.  But they will not find it so easy to deal with the real security threat.

No, I don’t mean the 1,200 active Al Qaeda cells working airside at Brussels Airport.  According to Paul Geudens, a journalist writing for the daily Gazet Van Antwerpen, it is more insidious than that.

Continued...

Posted by Johan Van Vlaams on Friday, February 18, 2005 at 05:17 AM in Humour
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Comfort for the Judeophobes

Bowing to intense pressure from Mel Gibson’s father, Jews announced today that they would no longer control the world. In a press release, Jews stated, “Although we have thoroughly enjoyed the challenges of world domination for the last 3,000 years, we feel it’s time for gentiles to take control of their own affairs. We plan to spend more time with our families and pursue other interests.”

Continued...

Posted by jonjayray on Thursday, February 17, 2005 at 10:40 PM in Humour
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Too Good to be True

This must be faked… so devlish: photo here.

Courtesy of Jeff Rense . A visit to another realm.

Posted by leslie on Friday, February 11, 2005 at 11:08 PM in Humour
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Newsdate: Friday, July 1st, 2006

EU CONSTITUTION LANDSLIDE FOR THE NO’S DUE TO “MALEVOLENCE AND DISTORTION”

Times London reporter, Omani Padmehum
Times Brussels reporter, Siswe Mbeki

Britain’s position in Europe was thrown into deep confusion this morning as the full extent of the government’s defeat in yesterday’s European Constitution Referendum became clear.  Voters turned their backs on the Prime Minister’s “Yes to Success” campaign by a margin of almost four to one.

Mr Blair was said by aides to be “deeply disappointed but not surprised, and determined to fight on for Britain at the heart of Europe”.

Many observers question how long he will “fight on” as Prime Minister.  His grand design of leading “Britain towards its new purpose in Europe and the world” was crushed as predicted.  The ‘Yes’ campaign, conceived and spearheaded by Sir Peter Mandelson, was humiliated by a staggering 11,771,819 votes to 3,280,812 votes on a turnout of 52%.

Continued...

Posted by Guessedworker on Wednesday, January 26, 2005 at 04:43 PM in Humour
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Something Queer Happened in my Hometown

Independence, Mo.—“Independence police have charged a man with filing a false police report after he claimed someone tried to carve the word ‘fag’ on his forehead. There was one little problem with 22-year-old Floyd Elliot’s story: The superficial wound was backward, as if it were made while looking into a mirror.”

fag = gaf

Thanks to the folks at Little Geneva for reminding me about this incident.

Posted by leslie on Monday, January 17, 2005 at 12:44 PM in Humour
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Methane: the fuel of the future

Thanks to Geoff for pointing out this convenient and commodius form of future transport.  Ideal if you are in a hurry.

Posted by Guessedworker on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 at 09:57 AM in Humour
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(Belgian) State Security will fight Moslem extemism with dialogue

With acknowledgment to Fré, the cartoonist at Vlaams Belang.

Posted by Johan Van Vlaams on Friday, November 26, 2004 at 06:07 PM in Humour
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If liberal opinion can do it for Mandela, why not ...

With thanks to the cartoonist at Vlaams Belang

Posted by Guessedworker on Friday, November 19, 2004 at 09:48 AM in Humour
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Now ... let’s all sing along

No doubt the left looks with gloomy ingratitude upon the memory of A.C.Benson, who gave us the words for Land of Hope & Glory.  Likewise, Dr Henry Carey of National Anthem fame will not be admired among those who would prefer Prince William to marry an exotic flower of our, of course, always vibrant minorities.

As for James Thomson, his stirring Rule Britannia probably can’t be sung at all by anyone who has read as far as page 2 of Das Kapital.  Which isn’t all that many, actually.  I know.  I tried.

And, well, Russ Parker and Hughie Charles (There’ll always be an England) should be on Trevor Phillips little list.  Can’t say blacklist, of course, but you know what I mean.  A million marching feet … the Empire too, we can depend on you!  One must have been a fascist, the other a racist.  It’s perfectly obvious.

Continued...

Posted by Guessedworker on Tuesday, November 16, 2004 at 07:49 PM in Humour
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French panic at the threat of extinction

So despite all rumours au contraire there is hope for France again.  Magnifique.

Posted by Guessedworker on Monday, November 8, 2004 at 11:25 AM in Humour
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