Hot Cross Bush

Presidential News Conference December 20 2006
[Abridged, redacted, deconstructed, and reassembled to emphasize archetypical content.]

Good morning.

I went to the Pentagon.

Secretary Gates was sworn in there.

Iraq, terror. Top priority: war on terror. Calling of a new generation.

Many tasks, long haul. Bigger Army and Marines—permanently.

Fred?

Mr. President. Good morning. Iraq’s constitution forbids population transfers from outside Iraq that would change the demography of the country. In other words, immigration into Iraq that would bring about race-replacement is forbidden. Do you fear the development of a race-conscious revolutionary white nationalist party in the United States?

I’m glad you brought that up. People have got to know that their President—that I’m not just a decider, but a uniter. That doesn’t mean that necessarily—that we can find common ground on immigration. Because in order to enforce our border—the Border Patrol is doing a heck of a job. And we have got to say, if you are coming to this country to do a job, in order to do work that Americans aren’t doing—the best way to deal with an issue that Americans agree—we’ve got to have a comprehensive bill on my desk. Energy—that’s another positive issue where we’re making progress. Cellulosic ethanol—so we can use wood chips and switchgrass. That’s what the American people want.

Emmet?

Mr. President, you have repeatedly denied being the tenth horn described in the book of Daniel - excuse me, Revelations. Would you support the appointment of a special prophet to speak for Gog—sorry, God—in this matter?

We are in the beginning stages of an ideological struggle that’s going to last for a while. The terrorists want to extinguish the spark of freedom—we believe it comes from the true God. The enemies of freedom and democracy—there is really only one Enemy. Now, as to the appointment of a prophet, I have to believe that—I know, and you know, that there is only One who can appoint a prophet, and He doesn’t hold press conferences. About this tenth horn, it’s generally agreed to represent Antiochus Epiphanes, ruler of Syria. Old ruler - he’s not there anymore. The Syrians have got to stop allowing the Saddamists to cross the border with Iraq. Also, Fuad Sanioria is doing a heck of a good job there in Lebanon and the Syrians have got to leave it—Lebanon has a democratically elected government. And it’s going to stay that way.

Shirley?

Mr. President, Iranian President Ahminejad is enriching nuclear material, denying the Holocaust, calling for the destruction of Israel and openly maintaining that AmeriKwa is jewed to the gills. How do you respond?

Shirley, you jest. But let me take your questions in reverse order. First, the idea that ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny is an old chestnut that contains a grain of truth—remember that spark I was talking about? Early in pregnancy—the unborn child does have gills. When our country was young—not even young, but UNBORN—America is an idea. So in the hearts of men like Thomas Jefferson—let’s say, in the early 1770’s. America was an embryo. An embryo of freedom and a beacon—Maybe she did have gills. But to say that—a nation like ours has gills now—is preposterous. I—That’s all the time we have. Thank you.

Posted by Søren Renner on Wednesday, December 20, 2006 at 12:21 PM in
Comments (2) | Tell a friend

Comments:

Posted by curious brute on December 20, 2006, 02:46 PM | #

I have one question for Mr. Bush:

In light of the fact that you believe we must expand the military and the military presence in Iraq, will you encourage your two daughters to enlist?

Thank you.

Posted by wjg on December 20, 2006, 05:04 PM | #

Now really Soren,

“...ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny…” coming out of Shrub’s mouth? That is definitely a malfunction in the Droid’s language chip.

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