Off the flight from Riyadh

Thanks to Michael R for this link.  The Dutch government has decided to screen a film to all new Moslem wannabee citizens.  It challenges their Middle Eastern sensibilities with two homosexuals kissing in a park and a topless woman emerging from the sea and walking onto a crowded beach.  Those who can’t adjust don’t make the cut.

This is a big improvement on the old open door policy.  However, I can exclusively reveal that the authorities have also been trialling the earliest and most stringent possible examination of Muslim flexibility on arrival at main international airports, and here is a leaked transcript of the proceedings.  With apologies to the good people of Holland.

OK guys, my name’s Piet and I am your Tolerance Counsellor for today.  During the next couple of hours I’m going to talk to you about what it means to live here in Holland.

First, for my own safety can I ask you all to place your ceremonial daggers in the bin provided by the door?  Thank you very much.

What was that you said, sir?  Yes sure, body harnesses go in the bin, too.

And your goat, please.

OK, welcome to Amsterdam Schiphol.  I hope you had a nice flight and it wasn’t too cold for those of you who travelled in the baggage compartment.  And to the others, what can I say?  Six and a half hours is a long time to hold your breath.  So, a big well done to everybody who stowed in a wheel housing.

So now you are on Dutch soil what can you expect?  Well obviously, we Dutch get to sleep with your wives, ha!

No, no … only joking.  Back to your cushions, please, all of you.  Wait a minute.  Where did that dagger come from?  Would you give me a hand with pulling that out, sir?  Please, no twisting.  Just put it in the bin with the others.

Well, it seems to have missed a main artery so I think we may continue.

You see, that was your first test of tolerance.  It’s kind of a Dutch thing.  We call it a sense of humour.  I don’t really want to dishonour your women … not at all.  I mean, I help out around here with the strip-searches, and do you know what?  I admire you.  Really.  You must be imaginative as hell.  A little desperate, maybe.  But you’ve come to the right place because that’s one thing we Amsterdammers know how to fix.

But enough man-talk.  Let’s get down to why you are here.  You cannot buy enriched plutonium in Amsterdam.  We are a law-abiding society with pretty negative feelings about trafficking in fission bombs.  You must go to Rotterdam if you want to do that sort of stuff.  And for the yellow cake.

I’ll bet some of you are thinking that yellow cake is some cool kind of shit, yeah?  Dutch society being so liberal and all.  But you know what?  Freedom can work for you too.  This is the only city in the world where you can tell every man you meet he is a curse on his mother’s moustache, and he will be too stoned to care.  One tip, though: don’t shout “Purple skunk” in a coffee shop.  Bubblegum is a smoother drag.

Now, there’s a couple of real bummers you’ve got to deal with if you are going to become good Dutchmen.  In Holland we are completely accepting of all sexual orientations.  We’re not in the slightest alarmed if two … guys … you know …  Whoa, that’s a different way of getting stoned!  Sharp little things aren’t they?  Let me find a head dressing.  Tell me, where did you get so many projectiles in an airport?  Oh, you keep them in your pants for public executions.

Well, I have to tell you frankly, sir, we don’t have capital punishment here.  In fact, we don’t have any punishment here, unless you count all that wierd bondage stuff.  I haven’t seen any stoning at my club, though.

Anyway, a good Dutchman doesn’t keep his pockets filled with rocks in case a couple of gays whip out their …

You keep a whip, too?  A hundred lashes for wearing a thong in a bar!  Isn’t that a little extreme?  Oh … a hundred for the thong and a second hundred for the alcohol.  That’s an awful lot of lashes, sir.  Doesn’t your whipping arm get tired?  Never does, huh?  OK well, if you can maybe get that down to fifty for the pouch and fifty for the Pink Lady I don’t see it would be a major problem.  In fact, I might be able to find you work in a gay floor show I watched last night, if you’re interested and don’t mind wearing black pigskin.

Speaking of pink ladies we Dutch have a totally relaxed attitude to public nudity.  Our wives and girlfriends go around pretty much nude all the time, and we don’t care.  That’s because we are mature about these things and don’t have any hang-ups about our bodies.  And this is why I am not wearing clothes today, for those of you who were wondering.

Also, you might find the role of women different to what you are used to back in the desert.  They are not exactly submissive here.  I mean, for fuck’s sake you know what I’m saying?  There’s no way we Dutch guys would be stupid enough to marry more than one at a time.

Finally – and this is important - Amsterdam honours its Jewish community.  You will land up in big trouble if you succeed in getting through the five metre electrified double security barrier with razor wire infill, starved and beaten guard dogs and machine-gun towers, and blow yourself up in the diamond district.  Too much of that is bad for business.

If you absolutely must express solidarity with Hamas it’s better to spray-paint a couple of swastikas down at the Jewish cemetery.  The city will pay for the damage and blame the Neo-Nazis anyway.

So, that’s it.  Thank you, gentlemen.  You are now equipped to enter seamlessly into multicultural Dutch life.  Don’t forget to collect your arms on the way out.

MR readers in need of a proper consideration of the Dutch tolerance test can read the excellent Paul Belien here.

Posted by Guessedworker on Monday, March 27, 2006 at 07:16 AM in Humour
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