Stop anti-onion prejudice

(A bit of satire on the blacks and whites share 99.9% of their DNA theme):

The Guardian
1 April 2010
By Millie T. Ant

Despite its commitment to the “War on Terror” and its entirely risible promise to fight discrimination and prejudice at home, the Rice Administration still refuses to extend the slightest protection to one very oppressed and even terrorised group in the USA itself. Horrifying as it may sound, onions continue to be ruthlessly oppressed in the so-called Land of the Free in ways far more cruel than anything dreamt up by the slave masters of earlier centuries.

As B. Arking, professor of Victimology at Harvard and an expert on animal-vegetable relations, points out “it really is impossible to imagine, for the typical, comfortably middle class white, what it is like being an onion in the modern West. I, however, have some statistics here, and moreover am not white but part Cherokee, and so can have a go.”

He goes on to quote a quite terrifying litany of depressing social statistics. The average onion income per annum is just $0, or 0% of the average income for the USA as a whole. Moreover, 0% of executive and professional jobs are filled by onions. Even skilled work is out of the reach of most onions, with 0% of such jobs being filled by them. Where do they find work? I wonder aloud to the professor and immediately wish I hadn’t. His answer destroys what little belief in ‘western’ ‘civilization’ I once possessed. It turns out that the lot of the average onion is to be mass-grown and then eaten.

You might well think that such inhumane treatment of our fellow living creature could not happen in a ‘civilized’ society (I of course wouldn’t as I don’t believe in ‘civilization’). However, far from feeling pity for the poor, abused onion, the majority of American society reacts with contempt to the very notion of onion rights.

Anti-discrimination authorities have suggested that 95% of Americans react with tears to a peeled onion, demonstrating their intense hatred of the onion community and inability to cope with the genuine diversity of creed, colour and sexuality to be found in it. The ACLU has called on the US President, if she genuinely believes in fighting terrorism, to pass laws putting a stop to such emotional terrorism. Their calls have not yet been answered.

Such insidious prejudices are taught in the nursery and even earlier, as proven by recent research into the attitudes of newborn babies to onions and people. Researchers from the Institute of Nothing Better To Do and the College of Waste Of Federal Money showed several newborns pictures of other babies and onion seeds, whilst measuring brain activity. They found that brain activity indicative of recognition and empathy increased dramatically when the subjects were confronted with pictures of other babies rather than onions.

“This is clear proof that vile, anti-onionist vegetablists implant their ideas into the minds of their children whilst they are still in the womb,” explained Prof. Ray Ving Bonkers. “We would suggest that all foetuses be removed from the wombs of their extremist, prejudiced mothers, and instead be allowed to mature in huge, state-owned laboratories. Even better, why bother with conception at all? Let’s just put artificially-created eggs into sperm banks and be done with the messy business of marriage,” suggested Doctors B. Rave and New World.

Before they went, the researchers remembered to add this sombre warning for the supposedly concerned world: “There aren’t any easy solutions to this problem, so we suggest you give us all $100,000 a year federal salaries so that we can come up with very difficult and expensive ones. Which will hopefully include lots and lots of Commissions for all our buddies.”

B. Rave and New World are right: there are no easy solutions. Onions have been 2nd class citizens since perhaps as early as 5000BC, when they were first harvested by the Persians. They were later eaten by many of those who constructed the Pyramids, as well as by those Black scholars whose work Aristotle stole in order to found ‘western’ ‘civilization’. Greek athletes often ate onions in order to lighten their blood. Despite such contributions to our heritage (which I don’t actually believe amounts to anything), by the Middle Ages onionhood had been reduced to the status of sub-slaves, being casually exchanged as gifts between their feudal masters.

Nonetheless, the apex of onion exploitation was reached with the Industrial Revolution. As the human population rose, more and more onions were eaten, in scenes reminiscent of some barbaric tribe or of Nazi Germany. Indeed, Hitler echoed such sentiments when he assigned onions to be the slaves of their German masters.

As a result of centuries of oppression and prejudice, onions have started to act like their old masters expect them to. Many have concluded from this that onions and people are not equal and that man’s social superiority is somehow natural.

This is obviously false. As Dr. Polly Technic of Sheffield University (formerly College of artwork and Plumbing) points out, “humans share 90% of their genes with onions. Really, this is just ignorant racism, oops, form-of-lifism.” Onion community leaders echo these sentiments. “If you cut us, do we not bleed? Alright, we don’t, but if we did. And if you hurt us, do we not cry? Okay, we don’t but we should,” said one dignitary, having to speak through an interpreter due to his fear of persecution by uncaring and bigoted humans.

Nonetheless, contrary views persist even in academia. Prof. Larry Sane of Edinburgh University claims that his studies of comparative onion and human IQs confirm the commonly-held prejudice that they are different. However, his research provoked a strong reaction from students at Edinburgh, culminating in a protest supported by the majority. The student head of the Onion Human Love Association stated, “I mean, yeah, like, he says they’re different, but that’s just bollocks. I mean, that’s just what Hitler would have said. I’ve got many, like, yeah maaan, onion friends an’ shit. Chill, man! All power to the people, I mean livin’ things an’ stuff. Soap is fascist! What do ya mean, how do I know the majority support us? ‘Cose, we’re cool an’ progressive, man. If somebody’s against, then they’re a fascist an’ don’t deserve an opinion, man.”

Vital measures to improve the quality of life for all onions, and to equalise incomes between onions and people are being proposed across the West. Said UN representative Ngobe Nbeki, “It will only require a flat tax of 75.5% on all income to achieve this objective. Of course, government officials will have to decide how to allocate this money, as centuries of prejudice have left onions incapable of taking care of themselves.” His colleague Robert Mugabe elaborated, “I’m coming to get your farm, whitey, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!”

Next story: Association of Sexually Successful Homosexuals and Regular Louts (ASSHOL) demands government do more to assist gay community.

Posted by Alex Zeka on Wednesday, August 2, 2006 at 11:06 AM in Humour
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