The eschatology of domestic refrigeration in modern America

Posted by Guest Blogger on Thursday, 28 October 2010 23:17.

by PF

Starter

In a few weeks thousands of people will gather in New York to celebrate the passing of another year. Thousands of confused people, joining together to recognize the passing of 2010. In some way, it is still the end of a century. We wave goodbye to the 20th century and welcome in the 21st. When that sphere touches the pavement, it will signal to us the onset of a new era. We hope its an era where our peoples receive acknowledgement of what we have to do to remain what we are. Time will tell.

Kievsky’s blog had an article mentioning high-fructose corn-syrup, which as far as I can tell, seems to play a central role in modernity, particularly the large rolls of fat which envelop modern persons. They say that if you throw an average American into a large vat full of corn-syrup, that he will free himself by consuming all of it. Anecdotally, this is what happens even if the lid of the vat is low enough to allow escape.

People’s body shapes tend to change with the times. In the old days of classic 50s civilization, men had little pouches of fat on their stomaches. Perhaps these men were 10 pounds overweight or 20 pounds on average. The pouch was small enough to contain a 1 L jar of marbles. The pouch began to extend through the 70s until 1985, becoming too prominent to be sucked in anymore. The pouch had now become a proper belly, and signified about 30 pounds of excess weight. Going into the 90s the belly began to extend into other body-areas, subsuming what were previously separate structures. It used to be easy to tell, for example, where someone’s belly ended and their legs began. There was also a clear line of demarcation between ‘belly’ and ‘chest’.

Main

But as the 90s rolled on, it became more and more difficult to tell what was legs and what was belly. Because at a certain point the belly starts hanging and overtakes the groin area, and in persons who are 50 pounds overweight, the belly, groin and upper legs fuse into a one big flabby region that is no longer clearly demarcated. The belly was on the move, and not only downwards. Its roundness began to take over what had previously been ‘chest’, to the point where it became difficult to tell where people’s abdomen’s would be. The ‘chest’ began to take on some of the bulk that was creeping up from beneath.

The result was that people started looking like cherries impaled on toothpicks, which are sometimes served in drinks. They had chubby limbs and a vast protuberance in their midsection: this was the typical shape. As the 2000s got started, we left behind this common body shape and began to explore another realm of excess fat storage. It is only possible to acquire the 2000s body shape after putting on 60 to 80 pounds of excess fat. In this new shape, the legs and arms begin to blimp out as alternative storage sites, the body having apparently stored as much fat around the midsection as was anatomically possible. The legs and arms now become fat like tree-trunks, and the whole back and sides become enormous fat-depositories. This overcomes the protruding effect of the over-rotund midsection, restoring a sense of proportion to the body’s fat stores, which were previously dominated by the belly. By virtue of all fat stores being near max, gravity pulls the fat in sharp angles downward and gives the person the shape of a square with rounded edges, which I think is best captured by the term “monolithic slab”. The person begins to look like an enormous, thick pop-tart.

Gross out

The pop-tart metaphor is even more accurate descriptor than we would perhaps like to imagine. This is because the areas used for fat storage are prone to cellulitis, which makes the surface of the skin looks like its covered with a lightly-ruffled icing, such as was on pop-tarts. Add to this a population with a lot of celtic derivation, and you get all the freckles and moles which represent the cinammon sprinkles that used to cover the surface of pop-tarts. Also if the fat person gets a bruise, it can look like a pop-tart which has begun to rupture and lose its blueberry filling.

As they say, “You are what you eat. And eat.”

Tags: Humour

Comments:

Posted by jimmy Marr on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 01:42 | #

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????v????????????????????????????????????

Posted by uh on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 01:45 | #

I feel obliged to let everyone know - if this comment survives - that this was prompted by a private e-mail to Guessedworker. While I don’t think he himself wrote it, he has obviously betrayed my confidence in grand fashion, making nonsense of his pose as holding the “moral high ground”, I think. This is the sort of thing I wouldn’t even expect CaptainChaos to pull on me—it’s more at the level of “Hunter Wallace” and Scrooby. So the man who proposes to save Europe with abstruse philosophy, a high-minded Englishman with Fairness and Privacy as gods of his hearth, hasn’t even a sure grasp of confidentiality. A dismal prospect.

Posted by Lurker on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 04:42 | #

I have no idea what the hell this post was supposed to be about….

It just seems silly.

Posted by Guessedworker on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 09:28 | #

uh,

PF wrote this off entirely off his own bat, having only sent me a brief mail on the 19th of this month to the effect that he had an idea, following a comment about gold fillings you had left on one of the threads (if you check your mail to me on the 10th you will find it does not mention gold fillings).

Obviously, the piece is intended to raise a laugh. It might fail to do so. It might be considered in poor taste. But my take on it was that it was affectionate in nature and came out of the male comity that should characterise this place rather than the hostility which sometimes does. I don’t believe for an instant that PF bears the slightest hostility towards you, quite the reverse I would say, and I most certainly don’t.

Humour can back-fire, though, and as that seems to be the case here I will remove the last part of the essay with apologies for the editorial oversight.

Posted by Captainchaos on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 10:28 | #

uh,

You can give me 50 pull-ups, 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups on even days, and a half-hour jog on odd days. Oh, and get yourself a leather jacket and a motorcycle. (You too, PF.)

Posted by Captainchaos on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 11:29 | #

This is the sort of thing I wouldn’t even expect CaptainChaos to pull on me

Your time may be better spent working on your reproductive fitness and not corresponding with Engerlishmuns on the Internut.

high-minded Englishman

There is no moral superiority as the English conceive themselves enjoying without self-deception. The Krauts, on the other hand, have no compunction in announcing that they are a Master Race.

Posted by jimmy Marr on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 11:32 | #

Uh,

As you can see from my initial comment, “????????????????????????????????????”, I interpreted the post as humorous nonsense based on an earlier comment you had made about your dental work being your most valuable possession.

I saw it as an opportunity to let you know that I notice and admire your comments. I can easily imagine that PF’s essay was composed in a similar spirit.

Posted by Leon Haller on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 12:08 | #

Posted by uh on October 29, 2010, 12:45 AM | #

I feel obliged to let everyone know - if this comment survives - that this was prompted by a private e-mail to Guessedworker. While I don’t think he himself wrote it, he has obviously betrayed my confidence in grand fashion, making nonsense of his pose as holding the “moral high ground”, I think. This is the sort of thing I wouldn’t even expect CaptainChaos to pull on me—it’s more at the level of “Hunter Wallace” and Scrooby. So the man who proposes to save Europe with abstruse philosophy, a high-minded Englishman with Fairness and Privacy as gods of his hearth, hasn’t even a sure grasp of confidentiality. A dismal prospect.

________________________

What the hell is “uh” complaining about? just read the piece (rather droll, enjoyed it), then saw uh’s comment. No idea what’s up. Maybe it was something GW has now removed. Too bad.

Posted by Notus Wind on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 14:56 | #

Oh good, my favorite part of the entry was kept.

following a comment about gold fillings you had left on one of the threads

I too remember a comment that said something to that effect.

But my take on it was that it was affectionate in nature and came out of the male comity that should characterise this place rather than the hostility which sometimes does.

I also thought it was affectionate as it was written in the spirit of how those of us from the Midwest and South like to rib each other from time to time.

Posted by Netherman on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 15:13 | #

This article is funny, but also sad seeing how Americans have become the butt of jokes the world over. Gone are the days when they used to feared/awed as citizens of a superpower, instead they only have movies like ‘The A-team’ and ‘The Expendables’ to delude themselves into thinking that they still wield the power over world affairs that they used to in the previous decades. It seems, they don’t take themselves seriously anymore, ‘pop-tarts’ that they have become. LOL

Europeans, despite enjoying a consumption-based lifestyle similar to the Americans, still manage to stay physically fit. Where I come from (The Netherlands) bicycling is a daily activity, and sports is universally played, not just enjoyed by watching on the TV. Consequently, our men and women are fit and attractive, looking more like humans and less like confectionery items.

Peace

Posted by Netherman on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 15:17 | #

Englishmen, on the other hand, largely resemble their American counterparts. Its in keeping with their image, as they’re seen less as Europeans and more as American puppet islanders on the shores of our continent.

Goede Dag to everyone!

Posted by ____ on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 17:24 | #

GW,

Your choice of a new title strikes me as being mildly racist. At first, uh was offended, but now I am offended. Lets see if we can’t change that title to something more magical, more ...empowering.

How about: “Walking Pop-Tarts of Flesh: America’s New Brunderclass?”

I leave it to the reader’s imagination to figure out what I mean by brunderclass.

Posted by Jimmy Marr on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 17:54 | #

GW,

I will remove the last part of the essay with apologies for the editorial oversight.

With typical Anglo superficiality, you have neglected to excise the most offensive of the passages:

Add to this a population with a lot of celtic derivation, and you get all the freckles and moles which represent the cinammon sprinkles that used to cover the surface of pop-tarts

We Celts are of uniformly dark hair and flawless porcelain complexion except those descended from the victims of Viking barbarities, such as the Red Plague and the Frecklacaust.

Posted by Irish Anti-Commie on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 19:04 | #

We Celts are of uniformly dark hair and flawless porcelain complexion except those descended from the victims of Viking barbarities, such as the Red Plague and the Frecklacaust.

I like redhead women and freckles are sexy. My uncle and aunt from the south west of Ireland have blonde hair. The first girl I kissed, Irish of course (from the west of Ireland) was blonde but fair hair is more common the more east you go. There are more blondes and redheads in Scotland both Highland and Lowland.

Posted by ______ on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 20:45 | #

Irish anti-commie wrote:

I like redhead women and freckles are sexy.

Are you implicitly justifying the Frecklecaust?

Posted by Guessedworker on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 20:46 | #

Howzat?

Posted by _____ on Fri, 29 Oct 2010 21:12 | #

I’m content.

Posted by Mostly English, Part German (American) on Tue, 02 Nov 2010 04:23 | #

Captainchaos:“There is no moral superiority as the English conceive themselves enjoying without self-deception. The Krauts, on the other hand, have no compunction in announcing that they are a Master Race.”

Careful what you wish for Master Race- “An average German is likely to be a fat, childless, unmarried smoker, according to 2010 European Union demographic statistics released this week.” - http://www.thelocal.de/society/20100910-29737.html

And if the Germans are the Master Race, why did the English branch out to take so many colonies from the primitives while the Germans largely stayed ghettoized in Central Europe? The English have the British Isles, North America (vast Canada and USA), many parts of Latin America, Australia, New Zealand, parts of Asia and Indonesia, and dozens of strategic islands worldwide—and the Germans have…Germany, Austria, and a bit of Switzerland. Granted, all of those Germanic countries are very well run compared to the mass of unorganized Anglo-American territories.

I say this as mostly Anglo (though part German) White American in good fun.

Posted by Volker on Tue, 02 Nov 2010 09:47 | #

I say this as mostly Anglo (though part German) White American in good fun.

Ja ja ja, vasever.

Don’t forget, that it was the Germans that were the first “Anglo-Saxons”—der Angel-Sächsische.

Oh, and part of the reason dem Deutsche Volker stayed “ghettoized” in Mitteleuropa was largely due to the bankster-run ‘empire’ of ‘Great’ Britain (the “Great War” [WW1] being the best example of this collusion between British Imperialism and high-finance capitalism).