Another leak from the Home Office.  Maybe.

Posted by Guessedworker on Thursday, 08 March 2007 01:25.

Memo from the office of the Home Secretary,

To: Liam Byrne, Minister of State, Immigration

Date 7th March, 2007

My dear Liam,

Another bloody awful day, don’t you think?  As if I hadn’t had enough of them already!

Under the circumstances, then, I thought it best not to text you with this question: Which one of your brilliant minions dreamt up this garbage?  For God’s sake, Liam:-

Labour will get tough on illegal immigrants - by sending them text messages begging them to go home.

Under desperate plans to clear a backlog of 600,000 cases, their driving licences could also be cancelled.

This was just giving Davis an open goal - which, needless to say, he did not miss:-

Shadow Home Secretary David Davis said: “This is a serious admission of defeat. John Reid is effectively giving up on trying to deport the hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants in this country, preferring instead to spam them with text messages.

“As for removing driving licences, does he really believe that a person who is prepared to live in a country illegally is that concerned about having the correct qualifications to drive in that country?

“Yet again we see another pathetic attempt to grab a headline rather than address a problem.

“Instead of spin and bluster from ministers, the public deserve effective action.”

Do you think that’s what I wanted to wake up to this morning, Liam?  Do you think that’s why I’ve entrusted you - supposedly a safe pair of hands - with such a grave responsibility as the Immigration Department.

Liam, Liam, I don’t want you to think I’m being unreasonable here.  I don’t want you to think I must have broken my pledge to be speaking to you like this.  It grieves me, because I have always regarded you as another son.  Aye and Tom McNulty, too.  Let’s not forget wee Tom.  I have always looked upon the both of you, and upon your struggles and occasional little transgressions with an indulgent eye.  Sometimes perhaps too indulgent.

Have you never wondered why my department is so Irish at the top?  I mean, where are the natives?  It’s a good question.  When I got into the House in ‘87, I liked to pause a while under the imperious gaze of those great statesmen and noble Lords whom some lackey painted long ago all bewhiskered and got up in their finery, and I’d say to my researcher – you know, she was the only Asian researcher at Westminster in those days – “Take a good look at those paintings, love” I’d say, “None of them are your ancestors and none of them are my ancestors.  They colonised your ancestors, and they colonised mine.”

Bastards.

Of course, not a lot of folks know that green is the colour of my heart.  But you do, Liam.  And so does Tom.  Come to think of it, so does every supporter of The Celtic .  But the rest of them don’t know.  The good electorate of Birmingham Hodge Hill, for example, don’t know.

We have to stick together, you see, we who are Irish in our hearts.  We have to look out for our common interests.

And there’s the rub, Liam.  My interest happens to lie in killing off Gordon before he kills off me.  So, it has to be No.10, doesn’t it?  If at all possible.

And here you are, creating these patricidal embarrassments for me, making it impossible.  So I wonder whose side you are really on, Liam.  I wonder whose interests you are advancing - besides your own, obviously.

I mean, can anybody be so unbelievably naive and stupid as to propose text messaging illegal immigrants?  Even in the Home Office?  How many out of the 600,000 are going to say, “OK, you got me.  I give up”?  Think small, Liam.  Very, very small.

Of course, it’s too late to repair the damage now.  It’s always too late in a politician’s life.  As I often say, being a lifelong student of Hegel and a PhD ... you must know I’ve got a PhD even though I left school at sixteen, and my old Da’ a postman an’ all, and Mum a factory girl ... did you know that?  Anyhow, being a fan of the old dialectic I often say, “the Owl of Minerva spreads its wings only with the coming of dusk”.

‘Course, I can’t expect a constipated little mind like yours, with your Harvard Business background and that fashionable Social Market Foundation stuff ... I can’t expect you to understand that.  Such understandings require a certain native spark, you know.  Well, you don’t know, of course.  They ... well, when was the last time you ventured off the script?  Did something half-crazy but exciting ... inspiring?  Look at me.  There’s your example.  Neil Kinnock’s philosopher king.  And I jump in the sack with a Brazilian film-maker every night, for Chris’ sake.  I mean, how neat is that?

So, Liam, not to be too Hegelian ... to be perfectly blunt ... to be, in fact, the eponymous Glasgow hardman, let’s say that Minerva’s fucking owl will be spreading its wings over your dead body, pal, if you screw up like that again.

I’m seeing you, Jimmy!

Yours with a Glasgow kiss,

John

John Reid

Dr Reid to you

Tags: Humour



Comments:


1

Posted by Kenelm Digby on Thu, 08 Mar 2007 13:13 | #

What amazes me is that government that admits that it is icapable of actually counting the numbers of illegal immigrants in Britain, is bod enough to claim that it has the ability to actually store and record the mobile phone numbers of illegal immigrants.


2

Posted by Kenelm Digby on Thu, 08 Mar 2007 13:18 | #

‘Constipated mind’- I haven’t heard that one since at least 1975 with 10cc’s classic ‘Life is a Minestrone’.


3

Posted by Guessedworker on Thu, 08 Mar 2007 13:43 | #

I’m sure Dr Reid is a “linguistic traditionalist”, Kenelm.  Especially when his blood’s up.


4

Posted by Kenelm Digby on Thu, 08 Mar 2007 13:46 | #

Speaking of stupid ministerial announcements lately, the education minister Alan Johnson, recently called for the complusory school leaving age to be raised to 18, otherwise he claimed ‘16 year old school leavers will become drug-dealers or prostitutes’.
An interesting theory, given that drug dealing is mostly a Kurdish/Pakistani?Jamaican monopoly and most prostitutes in London at any rate hail from anywhere but England.
But seriously the idea of using schools to warehouse cocky, disruptive, adolescent boys who don’t want to be there and are deliberately and nastily disruptive - ( I remember ny oen scooldays when a certain cocky 16 year-old boy who couldn’t wait to leave was responsible for the organised barracking of a menopausal French teacher that left her in tears on a regular basis), is lunacy that could only emanate from someone completely detached from reality.


5

Posted by Retew on Thu, 08 Mar 2007 19:55 | #

Kenelm Digby wrote;

’Constipated mind’- I haven’t heard that one since at least 1975 with 10cc’s classic ‘Life is a Minestrone’.

=========================================

Semitic propaganda Kenelm, most of the group was Manchester Jewish wink

No, they were a great and very clever pop group. I recently posted the lyrics to “Oh Effendi” (from “Sheet Music” on a different forum, in protest at our kowtowing to Saudi demands that we drop our enquiry into the Al Yamamah deal in the mid-80s.

I agree that mass text-messaging illegal immigrants seems silly.

On the subject of the school leaving age staying at 16, I would agree if they could pass a simple test of literacy and numeracy skills (and maybe general knowledge too), but one nearly certain way to ensure that youngsters from disadvantaged backgrounds turn to crime is to allow them to leave school unable to read and write properly.


6

Posted by Kenelm Digby on Fri, 09 Mar 2007 14:36 | #

Of course the only likely outcome of ‘forcing’ disinterested, disruptive 16-18 year-old adolescent males into school is that they will simply not bother to turn up.


7

Posted by Guessedworker on Sun, 06 May 2007 17:35 | #

The Glasgow hardman retires into the shadows as the Philosopher King and owl expert prefers discretion over valour.


8

Posted by Guessedworker on Sun, 06 May 2007 18:01 | #

He’s a she, Fred, pursuing her ethnic interests through the human rights industry.


9

Posted by Al Ross on Mon, 07 May 2007 00:23 | #

I dont suppose the pop group 10cc have composed any songs in protest against Israel’s many and varied depredations. Naturally, Messrs Creme and Godley arent actually concerned about the ethical standards (Jews?ethical standards?) which Britain must, of necessity, abandon when dealing with backward, Arab tribesmen - the real concern is the security of their one true (stolen) homeland.

If the UK wishes to sell arms to Saudis (a group of low-average-IQ, social retardates), we must adhere to the time-honoured Arab custom of paying ‘commissions’.

The truth is that the modern weaponry which we sell to Saudi Arabia is far too complicated and sophisticated for them to actually use (or even maintain) but they feel they must have such toys so by all means let’s do business.



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