Another Misunderstander Of Islam strikes

4 Oct., by Irish Savant

Where’s Inspector Clouseau when you need him? Because the famous bumbling French detective could hardly do worse than the Paris police investigating the recent mass killing at their HQ. They’re totally baffled as to the killer’s motive.

INVESTIGATORS ARE COMBING an IT staffer’s computer today for clues as to why he stabbed four colleagues to death at police headquarters in Paris. The 45-year-old man killed three men and a woman in a frenzied 30-minute attack that ended when he was shot in the head. A search of the couple’s house found no evidence that the man, who converted to Islam about 18 months ago, had been driven to his criminal deed by radical religious ideology. Shortly after the killings, Paris prosecutor Remy Heitz said anti-terror investigators were not involved in the murder probe. All possible motives were being examined, sources have said, including the scenario of a personal conflict at work.

Which probably means that the sleuths failed to find a statement from the killer (a black immigrant from Martinique) explicitly stating ‘in the Name of the all-merciful Allah I will go in to work in the morning and and stab everyone I can find’. Therefore nothing to do with the Religion Of Peace. Just another Misunderstander Of Islam. He must have thought that when the Koran enjoined him to ‘Slay the unbelievers wherever you find them’ (Qur’an 2:191) the ‘sacred’ text meant, well, kill the unbelievers wherever you find them. And like most misunderstanders he seemed, apart from the mass murdering bit, to have been a swell guy. According to a fellow worshipper “he was a very quiet person. I used to see him going to the mosque but he practised (his religion) in a normal way” . Well he sure did, didn’t he? And remember Jihadi John, the notorious ‘English’ head-chopper for ISIS? He’d been described by his imam as ‘a gentle, spiritual boy’. Indeed.

So what’s to be done? Well I believe I have a solution. Reinterpret the sacred texts in the light of latest thinking and research. You know the way Pope Francis reinterpreted the Bible to mean that homosexuality and all kinds of degeneracy are fully in accord with that book’s teachings. I’ve been working hard and this is the result to date. I seriously believe that when complete it has the potential to eliminate mass murders stemming from misunderstanding the Religion Of Peace.

My initial attempt.

Quotation: “Make war on the infidels living in your neighborhood.” Qur’an 9:123

Scholastic reinterpretation: “Make friends with your infidel neighbours”.

Quotation: “Maim and crucify the infidels if they criticize Islam” Qur’an 5:33

Scholastic reinterpretation: “All discussion on religion should be open and tolerant.”

Quotation: “Punish the unbelievers with garments of fire, hooked iron rods, boiling water;melt their skin and bellies.” Qur’an22:19

Scholastic reinterpretation: We’re working on that one. But meanwhile lads lay off the hooks and rods and melting bellies and all that stuff.

So gentle reader, do you think it’ll work?