Majorityrights Central > Category: Humour

“... today’s IFOP poll of the candidate likely to make the best president of France is headed by Mr Sarkozy on 61%, 10 points up on last month. Mr Villepin is on 53%, and the leading Socialist, Jack Lang, on 45%.”

Somebody explain this to me, please?  Is it a case of “vote early, vote often”, as the Irish used to say?  The single transferable vote?  Too much Volnay with lunch?

And they haven’t even added in Jean-Marie yet.

Of course, we all know that the BBC leads the world in broadcasting excellence.  Even vicious catfights between celebrity pensioners are done with that effortless touch of class.

But just not this time, that’s all ...

Darcus Howe - not his real name - and Joan Rivers - not her real name - spectacularly disagreed today on BBC Radio 4’s Midweek.  It’s Alien vs Predator all over again.  You can listen to it here (from 20 minutes in).

Couldn’t have happened to two nicer people, really.

So, Anglo-French tensions have “heightened last night after Jacques Chirac delivered a series of insults to Britain as London and Paris fought to secure the 2012 Olympic Games and faced fresh disagreement at the G8 summit.”

Great.  Let’s hope the IOC is so impressed by Jacque’s Gallic charm that it awards not only the 2012 Olympics to heterosexually Gay Paree but 2016 as well ... and 2020, 2024 and beyond.  I see no reason why the French taxpayer should not fund the Games in perpetuity.  Speaking for myself, though, I would prefer to hang on to my income to save or spend as befits my needs.

The next best option to inflicting actual bodily pain on the French wallet would be to forego the Olympian expense and scrub the competitive side of the Games completely.  Medals should simply be awarded according to tradition.

So ... in athletics the “blue riband” 100m Mens medals could be divided up quite appropriately between two black Americans and anutha brutha from the Caribbean.  Kenya could have a clean sweep of the long distance medals, of course.  Britain would be allotted a women’s archery gold and do jolly well in almost all the most obscure sailing categories.

This would mean that the papers could write their stories of plucky Brit defeat, dropped batons and positive drug-tests months, even years before the sacred flame is lit.  The free-wheeling closing ceremony, which nobody pays much attention to, could take place in advance of the big set-piece opening one, which everybody seems to think terribly important - though I have no idea why.  In fact, one ceremony could be run straight into the other.  It’s only efficient and obviously a winning formula.  I can’t think why nobody has come up with it before.

Best of all, non-English people like David Aaronovitch can enjoy the vibrant, outdoor life of their MultiCult melting pot without being torn away to watch grown men jumping into a sandpit all day (medals for Brazil, America, Cuba or diverse similarities).  London is so very youthful and exciting now there are so few Londoners in it, not a second should be spent away from drinking it all in.

And Paris?  Well, it’s just not the same.  A museum.  No wonder Jacques is envious of Tony.

I bet one or two of those French Muslims can go some over 1500m, though.

We French hate the perfidious English.  We French have always hated the perfidious English.  We French hate the perfidious English for being … perfidious.  And English.  And for positively refusing to be invaded by Germans when we French managed it so effortlessly.  Twice.  And for letting us deceive ourselves that all those English SOE agents running around organising Le Resistance were … French.  Unacceptable.  And then, mon Dieu, there was Waterloo … Trafalgar … Agincourt … the ‘andbag of Madame Thatcher …

Entente cordial?  Never.  A ridiculous, impossible idea.

Ah, but we French used to love “Europe” before the English insinuated themselves into it.  It was the very essence of French dirigisme.  And OK, Germany was the economic engine.  But France held the political power.  That was the deal.  The English, of course, were not included.  That was also the deal.  Anyway, they had their “special relationship” with the Americans.  But that didn’t worry us.  We French hated the Americans.

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You have to have a heart of stone not to crack a smile at this tale of death-defying baby-hood.  Thirteen-month old baby boy Lavonta Clark - mother Lawanda, sister Latonia (Bob Cosby would not be happy) -  “survived a drop from a third-story window.  Amazingly, a couple of scratches and a bump on the back of his head are his only injuries.”

The “drop” was inflicted by an 11-year old boy who had had enough of Lavonta’s crying.  You know how it is when you are eleven.  Crying baby ... open window ... end of problem.  Except this time the problem had its fall broken by bushes and cushioned by soft mud.  Result: Lavonta’s screaming even louder and you’ve got a new addition to the rap sheet.  But now you know why guns are good.

Mum Lawanda appears to have wandered away, possibly to “get some things together.”  She needed to give some money to her landlord.  It is not known if the things produced any money.  It is known that she had left her baby in the charge of the eleven-year felon’s aunt who ... well anyway, that’s the way they like to do things in Cincinnati.  From here on, though, Lawanda is going to “focus” on her son.  She would do well to focus on the 11-year old, too.

EU CONSTITUTION LANDSLIDE FOR THE NO’S DUE TO “MALEVOLENCE AND DISTORTION”

Times London reporter, Omani Padmehum
Times Brussels reporter, Siswe Mbeki

Britain’s position in Europe was thrown into deep confusion this morning as the full extent of the government’s defeat in yesterday’s European Constitution Referendum became clear.  Voters turned their backs on the Prime Minister’s “Yes to Success” campaign by a margin of almost four to one.

Mr Blair was said by aides to be “deeply disappointed but not surprised, and determined to fight on for Britain at the heart of Europe”.

Many observers question how long he will “fight on” as Prime Minister.  His grand design of leading “Britain towards its new purpose in Europe and the world” was crushed as predicted.  The ‘Yes’ campaign, conceived and spearheaded by Sir Peter Mandelson, was humiliated by a staggering 11,771,819 votes to 3,280,812 votes on a turnout of 52%.

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Thanks to Geoff for pointing out this convenient and commodius form of future transport.  Ideal if you are in a hurry.

With thanks to the cartoonist at Vlaams Belang